Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Long Awaiting... We Made It!

Make sure you read my previous post on our journey...
Coming Up for Air
Picking Up the Pieces
Eye of the Tiger

Well here we are, 4 days away from Wesson turning one year old.  I sit and type this as I listen to the soothing sound of my breast pump.  I used to hate that sound, and I mean hate it! I would cover it up with a pillow, a blanket, or anything that I could get my hands on that I thought would silence it.  That hum hum hum humming, almost like a pulse... Oh my gosh I hated it and I wanted it to stop.  Now I can't image my life without that sound. How would I start my day? How would I go to bed at night? That sound was my heart beat for almost an entire year.  Tonight it ends. 
I am holding back the tears because in my head I can't image why I would be sad at the thought of not being tied to this machine.  But this machine represents my life and even more, the best of life that I could give my son. I have a love hate relationship with this thing and I don't know how to cut my ties. Every day, every 3-4hrs there it was, like that itch that wouldn't go away. It's my life line. I'm devastated at the thought of not waking up to it and rushing through getting breakfast ready, so that I can hurry and sit down and pump. I'm devastated at the fact that a year has gone by and I'm devastated at the fact that I had to use the thing in the first place. 
I hate how life literally flashes by.  I can't believe where I was just over a year ago.  I was that dazed, half asleep, zombie mom with a newborn baby. I was transitioning from mom of one to mom of two, and thought "I did this all before, so it's go to be easy." I feel like our struggle was just yesterday and I still feel the pain from it all. How did we get there? How did I get through it? I mean, how was it all seriously almost one year ago? I'm dumbfounded by it all. I'm also grateful, happy, and excited.  I'm grateful for the amazing people that I met along my broken path. I could've have gotten where I am today without my amazing family and even more the most amazing women that donated milk to us. I'm happy that I reached my goal and Wesson was on breast milk for an entire year. I can't believe that we made it! It's exciting to know that I'm stronger than I thought I was. I didn't give up and that's the most important part of it all. I knew that I could do it and I did it! Man, it was hard and then some.  I honestly can't even count how many times I wanted to throw in the towel, but when I looked into his sweet perfect face I knew that I couldn't. I couldn't give up on him!
Well there it is, our year is over. I don't know where to go from here, but all that I know is no matter what's ahead we will get through it! I was given this amazing, loving, happy baby boy and my life wouldn't be the same without him or the road we've taken.



Thursday, July 24, 2014

Eye of the Tiger


Make sure to read my previous blog posts first...

So I can't believe that Wesson is going to be nine months old in just a couple days. How did we even get here? I swear that it was just last week that we brought him home from the hospital. I hate how fast time flies by! He eats solid foods like a champ, crawls like a crazy man & pulls himself up and walks on everything and anything that he can.  He's growing so big & so fast. This all made me realize that I have yet to post an update of our crazy life.
I have good news and bad news, personally I like bad news first, so that I hear something happy to cheer me up after. So here is goes... Bad news: We were never able to successfully able to breast feed & because of all our obstacles I lost a large part of my supply, so am unable to produce enough breast milk for my son.  Good news: Wesson is beyond health & smart, also that he is happily on one hundred percent breast milk. I use medicine that basically forces your body to produce milk & I also use a small portion of donor milk. These two "not so common" things let me sleep easy at night. I know in my heart that I'm doing what's right for us & because of that I can rest easy.
I promised myself that there were three things I would do/not do when I had kids.
1.) Never EVER EVER let them out of mine or my husbands sight while in the hospital. This was a super easy one to follow & we successfully did this with both of our boys.
2.) Never EVER EVER let a strange watch or be unattended with our kiddos (kind of goes with the first one but on a different level).  This meant that if I couldn't be a stay at home mom then we simply wouldn't have kids.
3.) Last but not least, do everything in my power to breastfeed or give one hundred percent breast milk until at least one year old.  I never thought this one would be an issue or that it would be anything but easy.  I have done and still do everything in my power to follow this rule of mine.  
I know that my son is worth the struggle, the stress & the unknowing.  I feel like I truly have the eye of the tiger, and will never give up.  He's worth it & always will be.  Why wouldn't I try my hardest for him? And when my hardest isn't good enough, try even harder? If everything were meant to be easy then life wouldn't be what it is.  Our struggles have shaped our life and because of that I get mixed emotions of sadness and pure happiness. I pump and pump and pump every day, several times a day, a million times a month (or what seems like). Why you ask? Because I know in my heart it's the absolutely right & best thing to do for my son.  Some days I swear I'm done & I totally want to give up, but then I look at that healthy happy little snuggly boy & know that he deserves the best.  He keeps me strong & keeps me going, so that's why I keep at.
Our life isn't perfect, but it's our life. I love every second with my boys and I am proud to say that we have gotten to where we are today.  I have been luckily enough to have some amazing people in my life to help us get to where we are.  I rarely cry anymore and bottle feeding him in public has gotten way easier, yet I still struggle with it.  I know that I will always think about our rough beginning, but right now all that matters is what I did about it.  I am a determined strong person and because of that I can proudly say that both of my boys are healthy, happy, super smart, & have all the love in the world that they could possibly have.

Sorry for the picture overload, but I had to share :)














Thursday, March 6, 2014

Picking Up the Pieces

Make sure you read my first post on how we go to here... Coming Up For Air

Yet again I struggle in writing this post.  I struggle because I want to share my story so other mamas know that they aren't alone, but I am also ashamed and broken about it.  More than anything I wanted to start this post off saying "success" and that everything is "normal". I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't do that.
I so desperately want to nurse my son and always will.  After a horrible experience with a "doctor", I put it in quotes because he was so uneducated that I don't even know why I went to him in the first place. I switched to a pediatrician who also happens to be a lactation consultant, I really need support from someone who actually knew what they were talking about.  The appointment didn't go as well as I hope.  I was more upset that she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, she told me the reality of my situation and I wasn't willing to accept it.  She told me I lost my milk supply and that it would be near to impossible to get it back.  In my head all I heard was "you're broken and can't be fixed". I still hear that every day. I didn't want to accept it and I was angry she told me that.  
That next day I decided I would take my son off the bottle completely, again, and only nurse while still continuing to pump.  I was certain my supply wasn't lacking. The first couple days went better than I though, but yet again he had a decrease in wet diapers.  I told myself that I would give it 4 days and to not stress about it because it will take my body and my son a little bit to adjust.  
It was 11pm on day 4, I sat in our closet with the door shut and I cried.  I cried hard. I was broken. I was broken, defeated, and helpless.  There was no fourth chance or even a small hope left, it was over.  I knew it was over and there was absolutely nothing I could do about.  I couldn't even begin to explain the emptiness that overwhelmed me and how hard my heart sank into my chest.  I still can't believe this is happening to me.  Why is it? I can't help but to be so angry about the situation.  I told my husband that there are so many mothers that don't even want to nurse, why couldn't it happen to them? Why me? I want this so bad and I know this is what I'm supposed to do. It not fair and it never will be.
Everyone keeps telling me I was doing the best that I can.  But I couldn't see it that way, how was this my best? How was not providing food for my son the best? How was starving him the best? How was me not making enough milk the best?  This is my worst... I can hardly bare to say it, but it's the cold hard truth.  I let myself down and worst of all I let my son down.  Trying my best wasn't and didn't work.
The next couple days were hard, very hard.  That was my last chance to prove everyone wrong and show them that I could exclusively breastfeed my son and that we could go about our lives normally. I became angry at the doctors and these "professionals" that ruined our life.  How could they not listen when I was begging for help? How could they say everything was okay? How did they miss his tongue tie? How is this my life? I still struggle daily with dealing with my anger.  If only they had helped me when I was asking for it then I wouldn't be where I am today.
I really tried and still try to focus on the positives.  I told myself that I will keep pumping, power pumping, eat my lactation cookies, drink my tea and take my supplements.  I tried to keep my head up knowing that my son was on atleast 75% of my breast milk and that was WAY better than being on all formula. I was also determined to use a supplemental nursing system (SNS), but that alone has yet to be another uphill battle for us.  I dream of him being exclusively on the breast, but I know it will never happen. These positive days quickly turn into days where I feel like a complete failure.  I will never understand why this is happened to us and why we are where we are today.  I hate the thought of being broken and I hate that I can't give my son exactly what he needs.  
I am the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Every time I pump I check how many ounces I got, just hoping that there is more... there never is, but I still also expect there to be.  I just want to pump and fill the bottle up completely.  I want to feed my son! I want him to nurse and just be full and not mad after a few minutes because there is nothing there for him and he's still hungry.
It's now been a month since I took him off the bottle last and we still breastfeed, but I only make him if he wants to.  He mostly only wants to just to pacify, which to me is okay because atleast I am able to provide comfort for my little boy.  I pump every 2-3hrs and if I miss a pumping my world almost always falls apart because that means that he isn't getting everything I can give him.  I also still have horrible days and good days.  Just the other week I was sitting in a restaurant with my family.  My husband and oldest son sat on one side of the table, as myself and Wesson sat on the other.  Barrett and Ben were goofing off as I noticed a mom with a newborn baby sat down at the table next to us.  He was so tiny that it looked like they literally just got out of the hospital.  Shortly after us getting our food, the mom got out a bottle, dumped in the formula and fed her baby.  I instantly started crying. I had made up a whole story in my head how she never wanted to nurse to her son and that she never even wanted to try. It made me so sad that she could have nurse but didn't even try to. I would give anything to have that option. I was broken hearted over the fact that I couldn't give my son enough and she chose not to.  I know it was all made up in my head and that I will never know her story, but I couldn't help but dwell on it. 
I never wanted to be that mom that gave her baby a bottle. I would give anything to start over and know what I know now. I hate feeling broken and most of all I hate being embarrassed. I avoid feeding him in public at all costs. I leave the house right after he is fed or I sit and feed him in the car or a dressing room or bathroom.  I would rather a stranger see my boob than them see me give my son a bottle, even if that bottle is all breast milk. I've even gone as far as feeding him under a nursing cover because I couldn't bare the thought of him having the bottle in public.  My husband says I am crazy and to some extent I know that I am. I just don't want to be where we are today and I wish that I could blink and wake up from this.
I know that every day will continue to be a struggle for us, but I can't give up.  My heart tells me that I can't stop trying.  I will continue to offer him to nurse and I will continue to pump too.  I am praying that we can get to a year on breast milk. My son is worth every struggle and I try to focus on that.  Don't get me wrong, all of my days aren't bad days.  We have amazing days too. Days where I feel confident and focused. Days where I am unstoppable and that I know I am trying my hardest.  I also have come across some amazing mothers who offer nothing but support.  I am in awe by the fact that these complete strangers go out of their way to help me out any way they can.  They make the world just a little brighter and I am in debt to them!
Even though things get rough, I know that my son is still getting more than most and that we will get through this.  He is happy, healthy, and growing fast. I can't believe he turned 4 months last week! I have starting taking medication to help boost my milk supply, which I know not everyone agrees with but I decided that even though it might not be natural it's way better than supplementing with formula.  I am now pumping almost everything he needs during the day, but have to supplement for his night feedings. Which to me is more than I can hope for. I will continue to fight for what he needs and one day I know I will reach the point of acceptance.  Things will get better and can get better. I can't give up!

What I call liquid gold!!! Every drop counts!

 My handsome little man :) He melts my heart!

 Our daily routine.  A kid hanging out on my lap while I pump away.
Barrett, my oldest, is my handsome loving boy :)

 Us trying our hardest to make the SNS work.  One day we will get there!!

 Pumping and driving! Every where I go, no matter how long I am in the car I pump.  I absolutely LOVE the Freemie cups.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Cheesy Veggie Quinoa Bites

I stumbled across a quinoa recipe that caught my eye.  The problem was that I didn't have all the ingredients, so I thought I would make it my own. It turned out amazing! Even my two year old told me   he loved it.  I had to share it with you guys. Here's my version...

Cheesy Veggie Quinoa Bites

Photo is property of this blog & is copyrighted.

- 2 cups cooked quinoa
- 2 large eggs
- 3 carrots, shredded
- 1/2 cup chopped steamed cauliflower
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh kale
- 2 teaspoons garlic 
- 2 teaspoons onion powder
- 1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese 
(you can add an extra 1/2 cup if you want it extra cheesy)
- 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
- salt and pepper to taste  

Optional ingredients: 1 tablespoon of flaxseed and 1 tablespoon of chia seed
(I added these because I put them in everything, but it's totally up to you)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all ingredient together. Spoon into a greased mini-muffin pan & light pressed into pan. (I also made some in a regular muffin pan & they turned out great too). Baked about 10-12 minutes or until edges are light brown.  Let bites cool in pan for 5mins before removing.

Enjoy!!

Here is my son chowing down:
He told me "yum food good" three times while he was eating it :)
Photo is property of this blog & is copyrighted.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Coming Up For Air


So I've thought a lot about writing this post for the past couple days now.  I thought long and hard about how to actually type out the words to show and explain what life has been like since the birth of our second son.  The most important thing I thought about, was if I could actually do it? So here it goes...


Our son, Wesson David Henry Armstead, was born on October 29th at 4:35pm.  I woke up that morning with minor contractions.  I knew that he was going to come that day, but I wanted to wait as long as possible before heading into the hospital.  I did not want to be stuck in a bed for 17.5hrs again, like I was with my first son. My mom convinced me to just go in, so later that afternoon we headed down.  Needless to say, we barely made it into the delivery room, before our handsome little boy arrived.  I didn't even have time to get my epidural, and trust me I was not a happy preggo lady about that! Besides having to go all natural, everything went great.  He started nursing right away and we both were healthy as can be.
After coming home things seemed to being going okay, just super fast paced.  We got home the day before Halloween, but Barrett (my oldest) stay the night again with my parents, so that we could hopefully get some sleep after a long 24hrs in the hospital.  Barrett came home on Halloween and he loved every bit of trick-or-treating, especially the candy part. He was the cutest little cowboy that you'd ever see. The next couple days after that seem a blur. I honestly couldn't tell you what was going through my mind or even how our household was functioning. I was still in that sleep deprived stage and hadn't quite snapped out of it.
As most, of you know I am super pro-breastfeeding and would never image doing anything but that.  I always secretly thought to myself, how could anyone not nurse or give breastmilk to their kid(s)?  I nursed Barrett for 14mths and everything went great, no issues at all. He loved it and so did I, the bonding was amazing.  Don't get me wrong, it was hard at first trying to figure it out, but after the first few weeks it's like I was doing it my whole life.  Well, when little Wesson came along our world was rocked.  The first week was hard, really hard.  I didn't remember it being that hard with Barrett and I didn't remember the horrible pain.  Trust me, when I say pain, I mean pain! I literally would cry every time I nursed him. Everything just felt so wrong.  It hit me even harder when I was also struggling with post partum depression, something I never would've imaged I would go through.  I cried non stop for most of the day, between the horrible pain and depression I felt lost.  I didn't know how to be a mom to two boys and I didn't know how to get through struggling with nursing.  I wasn't new to either of those things, so I became angry at myself because of it.  I should know how to stick my kid on the boob and have no problems.  I should know how to be a mom. I should just know, because I went through it and I loved every second of it. 
I withdrew myself, a lot.  I didn't want to talk to family or my friends.  I honestly didn't know how to anymore and worst of all, I didn't know how to be me or who I even was.  I doubted everything I said and did. I was embarrassed, sad, angry, and felt totally alone. How could this be? How could I be like this? Everything didn't fall into place like I though it would and I didn't know how to deal with it.
I couldn't believe how wrong everything felt in my life.  I knew something was terribly wrong with nursing.  We even sought the help of my OB and our pediatrician. They both assured me that everything was normal and that nothing was wrong.  I even asked to have Wesson's mouth checked for a lip or tongue tie. We were told that he was perfectly fine and that some baby just have issues breastfeeding.
After two and half long weeks of crying through the pain of nursing and sadly (caution graphic) horrible bloody nipples, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even pump because of how much trauma my breast had to them.  I gave my son a bottle.  I cried even more (and I mean hardcore crying).  When I say "I" gave him the bottle, what I mean is that my husband gave him a bottle while I hysterically cried.  I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like everything I believed in and wanted for my son was just ripped away from me. I was helpless and lost. I told myself it would only be for a couple days until my breast could heal, so that we could start fresh.
After a couple days of the dreaded bottle, I decided we would give breastfeeding a go again. I honestly didn't want to wait anymore because I couldn't stand the fact that he even had a bottle in the first place.  He fought it tooth and nail,  which made things so much worse for me emotionally. I couldn't get over the fact that he wanted some imitation thing over his own mom. He hated me and I hated myself because of it.  My heart literally broke into a thousand pieces and, yet again, I cried more.  I decided I would suck it up and go cold turkey and take him off the bottle completely.  It took us a couple days of him being super angry, but he was nursing bottle-free. I felt accomplished, but was still struggling with pain. It wasn't as bad this time around, so I told myself to suck it up and get through it.
I thought that this was a huge step in the right direction and that I could finally focus on getting my mental health back in order, or so I thought.  After another two and half weeks of nursing he had yet to gain any weight, hardly any wet diapers, and I still had horrible pain.  He was angry all of the time and never stopped crying or nursing. I knew that something was wrong, very very wrong.  We went to the doctor and he told us that he was just a difficult baby and that everything was fine and that it was okay that he didn't gain weight or have that many wet diapers.  I KNEW that this was wrong. I continued to ask for help from any source that I could. Friends, mom groups, support groups, etc. 
I was finally able to meet one on one with a lactation consultant who came to my home.  The first thing she did was check his mouth.  He was tongue tied.  I cried. I cry as I type this.  It makes me so emotional just thinking about it.  I knew something was horribly wrong and it validated that, but more importantly, I cry because that meant that he wasn't able to nurse properly.  Meaning, that he wasn't getting sufficient milk.  My baby was starving.  I was starving him. I starved my son.  My husband tells me not to say that or think that, but I can't help it, it's literally burning into my head and I honestly will never stop thinking about it.  I was pushing nursing on him, and because of that I literally was starving my baby.  As soon as I could I gave him a bottle and again, I cried.  Within the next two days my son was happy, calm, and a normal cuddly little monster.  He was full. He was eating. He was the most content little boy ever. By this time we had already made an appointment to have a laser revision for his tongue tie (and minor lip tie).  The evening after the revision was done I nursed him.  I couldn't believe that it didn't feel like a coffee grinder! Don't get me wrong, everything wasn't perfect but it was a HUGE change.  The next couple nights were extremely rough.  His mouth was sore and I was still struggling with my emotions.  He would only randomly nurse here or there and again, only wanted to take the bottle.  I had no choice but to pump as much as I could and give my son a bottle.  I hated every second of it, but I will never get it out of my head that my son was starving. He needed to eat and if that meant him drinking out of a bottle then I had to do it, I had no choice.  
As a mother you want to give you children the best possible, so when someone tells you that you baby isn't getting enough to the point that they aren't even gaining weight, your heart sinks. I don't think I will truly ever get over the horrible overwhelming feeling of sadness that I felt.  I could never bring myself to not feed my child.  He is the sweetest most precious baby and he's happy, he's truly happy.  I can't believe that we were told that he is 'difficult'. Something was horribly wrong and I'm glad that every second of every day that I knew in my heart that I couldn't give up on finding out what it was.  A mother knows and without that feeling who knows what wouldn't happened.
Wesson is now almost 9 weeks old, and had his revision for his tongue just over two and half weeks ago.  Within four days the cute little chunker gained a whole pound.  He's my little piggy, but he has more than earned the right to be one. We still struggle daily with nursing, but I don't want to give up.  I know that giving him a bottle is the easiest thing to do in most situations, but to me it was the right thing to do. We both are happier now, I cry a lot less and so does he.  I still struggle daily with my depression, but both of my boys are happy and healthy, so I can breathe.  I know that things will never be perfect and I know that I will never be a perfect mom, but if I just step back and take a breath than I know things will be alright.  
I hope that my story can help other moms know that they are not alone.  I didn't understand a lot of the things that I was, and am going through, but it doesn't make me a bad mom.  If I am happy than my kiddos will be happy.  I tell myself that everyday.  I also make a point to let myself know that even though I am flawed in so many ways, my boys love me and I know that they know I love more than anything else in the world.  I had to start focusing on what matter the most to me.
I also hope that this all can help mothers judge each other a little less.  I know that I am no saint when it comes to that, but by going through all of this I had my eyes opened bigger than I would've ever imaged.  I know that being a mom isn't easy and it never will be, but when you throw in extra hardships like what I went through, life can be even harder.
The best advice I can give any mother struggling with this is never stop asking for help.  If you know something is wrong then never give up.  You aren't alone and the more people you talk to about it the better the situation can become!

I also want to make a point that I could not have gotten through this if it wasn't for the support of my amazing loving husband and family.  Even though I still struggle every day, they are there to help me in any way they can.  I was so embarrassed to admit I was having problems, but because I did and talked about it regularly I was able to get to where I am today.  

Here is a picture of my little monsters on Christmas. They make my heart melt!!



This post was intended for me to be able to tell my story of struggling with nursing and post partum depression.  Negative comments are not accepted and will not be tolerated.  We all have our own struggles and I hope by sharing mine that I can help others.  Please be kind and understanding.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Birds of a Feather

Well it seems like I haven't gotten the chance to post in what seems like forever. I thought I'd buckle down & try to get back into it!

I wanted to start off with my guest bathroom!

I'm usually not one to go for crazy bright colors, or just any color that isn't a neutral natural color. I made myself step out of the box & go with a medium toned teal. Let me tell you... I love how it turned out! I found some gorgeous towels with bird theme on them at Target & snatched them right up. The counter decor came from a mix of places. 
I still have a few finishing touches to put on the bathroom, but it's pretty close to being done.  I think my favorite part is the counter decoration, I just love how it all came together.

Check out my list of stores...

White Ruffled Shower curtain: Amazon.com
Silver Metal Candle Holders: Goodwill (they were black & I spray painted them silver)
White Glitter Candles: Target (xmas clearance)
Silver Metal Bird cage: Ross
Green Round Topiary in Brown Vase: Home Goods
Bird Theme Towels/Wash Clothes: Ross
Decorative Glass jar: Hobby Lobby
Small Bird Nest: Dollar Tree

Have any questions or just want to share some of your decorating tips?
Email me at Mrs.Armstead@live.com

Make sure to follow me on Facebook too!




Thursday, February 21, 2013

Wall of Fame

So I've been obsessing over our family photo wall! I have moved it twice & then rearranged it for a third time. Ben is convinced that I'm going to cause the walls to collapse because I put so many nail holes in them.
I do have to say 3rd time is the charm... Or so I hope it is!
Here is a little sneak preview of what I got accomplished. It's currently over the couch in the family. I hope you guys like it! I would sure love your feedback. Once the whole living room is done then I will post more photos. Also I will eventually take some more professional looking photos with my awesome camera & get them posted one day! I'm so behind on everything :(
Also I wanted to show you my process of how I arrange it before hanging it on the wall. I place them on the floor & go from there. It's easier to see what it looks like first hand when it's all together.